Alright, let’s do a monologue. Now, it might get a little weird, so stay with me. But tonight, I want to talk about dogs. As I’m sure many of you know, I recently got a dog of my own. Yeah, I got sick of stealing other people’s at the park.
Well, his name is Gus. And unlike the cast of “The View,” he doesn’t bite people when he’s hungry and is almost potty-trained. And unlike Joe Biden, he doesn’t mark his territory with urine and can make it up stairs by himself. True, Joe is just another mammal that needs to be walked.
But since I got Gus, I started to realize something interesting about dogs as they relate to politics. You see, I think dogs are the great unifier. That as much as certain leaders try to tear this country apart, sometimes dogs quietly help keep us together. Okay. Pelosi is very divisive, but that’s because she’s 90% pitbull. But we’ve been together for 30,000 years. You know, when people were barely clothed and smelled awful. But enough about Seth Rogen.
So dogs must really like us. Think about it. Dogs might be the one thing people from all sides of the political spectrum can agree on that they love. Well, that and pizza. You know, even communists love dogs, but usually on pizza. Hey, the truth hurts. Remember during the riots, or, as CNN called it, “peaceful protests,” there was no torching of pet stores. Well, there was one store, but the animals were saved by one dude.
So why is that? Well, part of it is that pets provide – dogs provide – the perfect companions with none of the baggage. Dogs are easy to understand. They want food, walks, petting. It’s like a spouse minus the complaining. And like a spouse, sometimes they bring me a dead bird on my birthday. But while a friend might talk your ear off about global warming, your corgi is never going to bark at you over the Green New Deal. He might poop on your living room rug, but Jerry Nadler will do both.
But some dogs can be interested in politics if given the right mentor. Here’s Gus when he hears the start of Tucker’s show.
TUCKER CARLSON: Good evening and welcome to “Tucker Carlson Tonight.” The frustrating thing about the news media, no matter how horrible they are, is that you need them. You can’t understand the world except through the news media.
But here’s Gus when he hears Brian Kilmeade.
To be fair to Gus, almost everyone has that reaction when they hear Brian Kilmeade speak, including meth and crack addicts. And sure, there are some interesting parallels between dogs and Democrats. We know that dogs, like some Dems, will hump anything if given the chance. And yes, some dogs and some Dems have fleas. And dogs sometimes fart on TV. But for the most part, dogs create infinitely more love in this world than they do problems.
And if you still don’t believe me, consider this. Me, Kat and AOC all have a Frenchie. So a righty, a libertarian and a nut bag lefty all own the same breed. Talk about unity. But damn do I feel sorry for AOC’s mutt. Imagine listening to that bark all day and you constantly have to clean up after her. Oh.
And no offense to cats or cat owners out there, your pets have a lot going for them too. But crapping in a box in the kitchen ain’t one of them. And if you’re a professional wrestler that owns some turtles, that’s okay, too. Giant turtles would make a great pet for Nancy Pelosi. They both live for hundreds of years.
But just remember, the next time you accidentally spill peanut butter and I’m not sure how you spill peanut butter, but if you do somewhere on your body, your cat won’t be there to help get it off you. But your dog or maybe Brian Stelter definitely will. If Ana Navarro doesn’t beat him to it.