GREG GUTFELD: San Francisco’s proposed reparations could cause another Civil War

Happy Thursday, everyone. It’s only been 23 hours, but I missed you so much. Watching you sleep on hidden camera just isn’t the same. Oh, I love it when they twitch. So why are cities in such big trouble? Let’s start with San Fran, also known as The Bidet by the Bay. You got people pooping in public and so much retail theft, stores just straight up closed. The only thing they weren’t stealing from Walgreens was toilet paper. Then there’s the crazy deal for reparations, $5 million to every eligible Black adult, guaranteed incomes of $97K for 250-years and homes for just $1 a family. To get a sweet deal like that, you used to need the last name Biden. 

This is happening while theft, violence and homelessness skyrocket, especially in minority communities. It’s like instead of solving the problems before them, they offered pie in the sky idiocies that will destroy this city for good: Hey, should we call an exterminator for this termite problem? Nah let’s burn down the house instead.


Ironically, this version of reparations could cause another civil war. It’s a wholesale-forced transfer of property and money from innocent families. We fought a war over a tax on tea, the reparations deal makes that look like an argument over a parking spot. Meanwhile, a CNN reporter’s car got robbed in San Fran, the police said the only thing the criminals got away with was a laptop filled with fake news. Terrible. And from the description, the perp sounds like a desperate loser with no respect for the law. 

Shortly after a former police commissioner says becoming victimized is part of the “basic city life.” So embrace it. That’s like having a fire chief say he’s tired of your whining about arson: You know, I’m sorry, with those sexy window treatments, maybe your house was asking for it. Close them. 

Then there’s Portland, where the homeless crisis is so bad, vagrants just park tents in residential neighborhoods and now those residents want to move away. I haven’t seen that many tents pitched since I auditioned for Chippendales. I’m glad my mom’s not here to see this. Now, there are counties in Oregon wanting to join Idaho just so they’re not associated with Portland. So it’s not just people wanting to flee, but actual counties. You know, folks are fed up when they dump you for the bright lights of Boise, but it’s a smart move for folks who prefer potatoes over meth. Though they’re both great with bacon bits and sour cream. 


And here in NYC, every commute you got a 50-50 chance of running into a psychopath on the subway, and I’m not even talking about the train Jesse takes, but I guess being attacked on a subway sure beats being thrown in front of one. And of course, you’ve got Chicago, L.A. and D.C., where drugs, gangs and murder are as plentiful as generic cialis at The Villages. So why this summary? Because I realized there isn’t the counterpart of crazy cities on the right, isn’t that strange? I mean, usually in every issue, there’s always a yin and yang of left and right. By the way, yin and yang were Hunter’s connections at that Chinese energy company.

ANNOUNCER: A racist would say!

The border, taxes, guns, there’s always this duopoly of left and right, but not here. We only hear of cities run by crazy lefties, but not crazy righties. You don’t hear Morning Joe screeching about mobs of cowboys dropping deuces on the sidewalks in Great Falls, Montana and when tents pop up there, it’s where they’re supposed to pop up, in the woods on the weekends when people are camping and being eaten by bears. So why is that? Where are the crazy right wing towns? Do they even exist? I wonder what one would look like.

ANNOUNCER: There’s no hellhole like a right-wing hellhole. Where citizens are forced to commute to work without being robbed, beaten or assaulted. Homeless encampments are nowhere to be found. The place where family values run rampant, resulting in disgusting backyard barbecues. A town full of people respecting the cops and the military. Witness the horror as children as young as five are forced to play T-Ball in the park. And the local government has the balls to stay out of your business. Those scumbags are too busy wasting tax dollars on proper sanitation, improving schools and incentivizing small-business. Right-wing hellholes, it’s a nightmare where no one gets out alive.


Fair and balanced and unafraid. But, you know, we can dream, but sadly, cities just become more blue and less red and also plain worse and the people in charge call it progress, but it’s not. It’s sad because it’s preventable. See, a great city needs two strong oppositional parties because that keeps their own excesses in check. You ever see a bachelor before he’s married? He’s a disgusting mess, smelling a body odor, desperation, and bad drugs. Then he gets married, and suddenly he cleans up his act or in Kat’s case, cleans up her act. But that’s what the cities need, they need to settle down with that good, old-fashioned right-wing husband. Nah, I don’t want it, I don’t want it. Save your applause. 

So maybe that’s why there’s no right-wing city. You know, where they’re lunatics, run the streets and their leaders do nothing while crime explodes. The unmarried left already has that covered, and they’re doing a bang up job on their own. You go, girl.

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