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‘Gutfeld!’ on media’s hysterical coverage of migrants in Martha’s Vineyard

This is a rush transcript of “Gutfeld!” on September 15, 2022. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.

GREG GUTFELD, FOX NEWS CHANNEL HOST: Look at that. Oh, yes. Yes!

Happy Thursday, everybody. Yes, so the sanctuary flights continue, and they’re the only flights that are on time.

Last night, Florida Governor DeSantis said two planes full of illegal immigrants to the progressive paradise known as Martha’s Vineyard. Which makes sense, it’s a vineyard, and those grapes are not going to pick themselves.

I mean — I mean, I assume there’ll be plenty of work on a vineyard. But I wouldn’t know I’m not allowed there, at least since Barack’s birthday party.

You should have seen his face when I jumped out of the cake. The G-string was a little much, and I was wearing one too.

But the coverage has been hysterical. As if sending migrants from a sweltering part of Texas to the most luxurious vacation spot in America, home to the likes of Obama, Larry David, John Kerry, is now somehow cruel and inhumane punishment.

But maybe it is cruel. After all, you know who also lives there? James Taylor. Yes, I know. I wonder if he has a comment.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Hey, migrants, you’re going to love Martha’s Vineyard. I would come join you but my legs are injured. Larry David lives here Meg Ryan too. Obama loves it, and so will you.

Hey, by the way, what happened to Meg Ryan? Woo, Martha’s Vineyard. It’s an island!

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: It’s an island. Excellent. And since every liberal celebrity fancies themselves a sanctuary city supporter, why shouldn’t they mingle with the migrants they championed from afar, right?

I mean, it’s pretty rich how the media refused to cover the border crisis as long as it affected Texas or Florida. You know, because who cares? But now that the responsibility has been shared by force, they’re deeply, deeply concerned, as are the Dems. Listen to these —

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: I think this is just political theater.

MIKA BRZEZINSKI, CO-HOST, MORNING JOE, MSNBC: Treating people like political pawns.

UNIDENTIFIED MALE: Using migrants as pawns.

SEN. TIM KAINE (D-VA): What’s he looking for? He’s looking for a headline.

CHARLIE CRIST, FORMER GOVERNOR OF FLORIDA: Another disgusting and vile move.

WHOOPI GOLDBERG, HOST, ABC: These are people you’re playing with. These are real, live people with children and older people. And, you know, we can work it out, but if you’re going to be a bonehead —

(CROSSTALK)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Yes.

GOLDBERG: Who wants to play with you?

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Who wants to play with you? And they call this inhumane, after ignoring the migrant drownings, multiple deaths in smugglers’ trucks, overdoses from fentanyl coming through our border.

So, save your outrage, you gargantuan gas bags. You are just worried about losing the cheap labor that trims your hedges and your bikini area.

I was speaking about Charlie Crist. Very clean down there. Yes, I am referring to all of those people in D.C. and New York who were beating their chests when Trump was president, saying they were so proud to be sanctuary jurisdictions. Right, Ron?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

GOV. RON DESANTIS (R-FL): All those people in D.C. and New York were beating their chests when Trump was president, saying they were so proud to be sanctuary jurisdictions, saying how bad it was to have a secure border.

The minute even a small fraction of what those border towns deal with every day is brought to their front door. They all of a sudden go berserk, and they’re so upset that this is happening. And it just shows you, you know, their virtue signaling is a fraud.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: It is brother. And I am pretty sure the message is clear, we are not a sanctuary state.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

DESANTIS: Our message is, you know, we are not a sanctuary state, we don’t have benefits or any of that. There are some sanctuary jurisdictions and that would be better.

Now, what would be the best is for Biden to do his damn job and secure the border.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: You’re only allowed to applaud me. He can’t hear you. That was tape. True, we wouldn’t have to do all this if the government actually enforced the laws. After all, aren’t they supporting policies that are frankly indefensible?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

DESANTIS: They are supporting policies that are just frankly indefensible. It is not defensible for a superpower to not have any control over the territory of its country, over the borders of its country.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Well, the logic is simple. States that have incentivized illegal immigration by supporting lax border policies should be made to feel the impact of their own actions.

And given that they paraded themselves as sanctuary states, they should be overjoyed that they’ll be able to better care for the migrants than these evil border states —

It’s perfect, you mock border states for complaining about the problem. Then why don’t you try being a border state for a while? Border states deal with millions of illegal immigrants.

Meanwhile, sanctuary states buckle with hundreds. But I’m sure the administration is on top of that.

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

UNIDENTIFIED FEMALE: Does the White House stand by those comments that the border is secure?

KARINE JEAN-PIERRE, WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY: What we stand by is that we are doing everything that we can to make sure that we follow the process that’s been put forth. That’s why we have historic funding to do just that, to make sure that, you know, to make sure that — to make sure that, the folks that we encounter at the border be removed or expelled.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Wow.

KATHERINE TIMPF, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: Playful.

GUTFELD: That sounded like me when Dana caught me trying on her leggings.

It’s not like — hey, don’t leave your bedroom window open. But maybe Karine needs the Kamala treatment. Some bongos, perhaps?

(BEGIN VIDEO CLIP)

JEAN-PIERRE: What we stand by is that we are doing everything that we can to make sure that we follow the process that’s been put forth. That’s why we have historic funding to do just that, to make sure that, you know, to make sure that — to make sure that, the folks that we encounter at the border be removed.

(END VIDEO CLIP)

GUTFELD: Oh, bongos. But basically — oh, it’s OK. Save it for later. Give some of that to Kimmel.

But basically, a border state is making a sanctuary state walk the walk, which poses a problem for critics of Florida and Texas. How can you be upset that Florida or Texas is shipping migrants to your town if you feel that those red states are inhospitable and yours isn’t?

Isn’t transporting migrants to your cities like Chicago or Philly a true act of charity or bipartisanship?

Unless, of course, you think it’s cruel to send them there. And you might be right. Migrants leave Venezuela for the U.S. only to realize liberal run cities might be worse. They find that Philly is just Caracas with cheesesteaks and Chicago is just Tijuana with more gunfire. And at least in Tijuana, they fire the guns in the air, not into your bedroom.

So what of Martha’s Vineyard? Even though it’s a tiny island, the homes are huge. Small families like the Obama’s own a multimillion dollar home on the island with presumably many spare rooms. He could temporarily house some migrants, you know. But please, no kids in cages this time.

And think about all the time saved, the cheap labor will be right there on location, ready to set up the tables for Obama’s next superspreading birthday party. But the best part, what it’s done to the phony politicians?

The munchkin mayor from Chicago called Texas sending migrants to her city both racist and un-Christian. This was right before she herself sent migrants from her city to a suburb.

But doesn’t this make her even more un-Christian since she bragged about being a sanctuary city? I mean, you can’t get more un-Christian than saying there’s room at the inn. And when folks arrive after a long journey, telling them there is no room at the inn. And you can bet some of those folks are named Jesus.

ANNOUNCER: Period!

GUTFELD: Let’s welcome tonight’s guest. She can raise hell and the average I.Q. of our panel. Former deputy national security adviser K.T. McFarland.

Like all great writers, he plans to become famous after his death. T.V. writer, producer, Rob Long.

She’s like a fruit fly. Tiny, persistent and always trying to dive into your Chardonnay, Fox News contributor Kat Timpf.

TIMPF: Right.

GUTFELD: And he can lift your mood and the foundation of your house. My massive sidekick and the NWA World Television Champion Tyrus.

Rob Long, Great to see you with your beard.

ROB LONG, WRITER AND PRODUCER: Good to be here. Good to be here, thank you. My beard is happy to be here too.

GUTFELD: Oh, fantastic.

LONG: We’re all ready.

GUTFELD: Yes, I — which — what I what I love about this is how upset the liberals and the Dems are getting, because it’s forcing them to cover illegal immigration.

(CROSSTALK)

TYRUS MURDOCH, FOX NEWS CHANNEL CONTRIBUTOR: Yes.

LONG: Yes, and it’s also like not new. I mean, when I was living in L.A., the mayor would send homeless people to Vegas.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: Mayor Bloomberg sent people to Miami Beach. There’s a long tradition of sending people to resort areas. Right?

So, like, this is another resort area they’re sending them to. It’s actually a resort.

Well, it looks like — it’s like it’s not unusual to do this. It’s actually something that people do all the time.

GUTFELD: Right.

LONG: You know, the problem really is that — well, two problems. One is that these are people from Venezuela. They’re looking for asylum. Venezuela is a pit because it was run by a socialist crackpot.

GUTFELD: Right.

LONG: Socio crackpot, by the way, that a lot of American celebrities and politicians liked.

GUTFELD: Hugo?

LONG: So — yes. So, my theory is, we should take all those people from Venezuela, all of them, and return an equal number of the Americans who love Venezuela so much, then they can be where it gets they want it to be. And we can have like, happy to be in America, Americans who don’t like that kind of government and everyone’s happy.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: So, it should be — should be an exchange program shouldn’t just be migrants. We should send, like Sean Penn, and people should be going back.

GUTFELD: Right.

K.T. MCFARLAND, FORMER DEPUTY NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER: Great idea.

GUTFELD: Socially swap.

LONG: Why not? Like, you should — everyone should be where they want to be.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: These guys want to be in a land of freedom and opportunity. And a lot of these celebrities wanted to be in the land of socialism and crack pottery, let them go.

GUTFELD: It’s a — it’s a fair point to make that. We have to understand as conservatives or libertarians that a lot of the people that are coming here are more conservative than we are.

And it’s like to think that all, this is a big problem, no, no, these people are Eisenhower Republicans.

LONG: You bet.

GUTFELD: Meanwhile, our Gen Z people, they can’t even read. I’m just made that up. I didn’t know how to finish that sentence.

LONG: The people from Venezuela are Reagan Republicans.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCFARLAND: They are.

LONG: They have suffered under socialism.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: They know exactly how bad it is.

MCFARLAND: That’s right.

LONG: We should send the rest of them, you know, and like the entire political science faculty at Harvard should go back to Venezuela, where they want —

(CROSSTALK)

MCFARLAND: But what — you went to Yale.

LONG: What?

MCFARLAND: You went to Yale.

LONG: Yes, I went to Yale —

GUTFELD: K.T., they also sent migrants to Kamala Harris’s house, after she claimed the border was secure. That’s pretty rich.

MCFARLAND: See, and the real story here is nothing to do with humanitarian gobbledygook. If the Democrats think they’re going to get a lot of Hispanic voters, they’re going to put them in the red states, they’re going to give them citizenship, there’ll be voters, and then the Democrats, who are tricky, but they’re not very smart. They don’t realize that what, in fact, they are doing is assaulting these states, with Republican voters.

They’re pro family, they work hard, they are small business workers, and owners. They believe in all the stuff that the standard Republican — Reagan Republican believes in. So, these stupid Democrats, so tricky, they’re just bringing in, I think, it’s 4 million potential Republican voters.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCFARLAND: That they’ve done in the last few years.

GUTFELD: I’m digging that. You know why? Tyrus, I’ve never met a woke Mexican. I’ve never met a woke Guatemalan. I’ve never met a woke Venezuelan. There is — there is no wokeism down there.

MURDOCH: Well, when you’re escaping a third world country, you kind of missed the first world problems.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: And they’re saying, so —

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: Right, yes.

MURDOCH: Yes, they didn’t participate. You know, I’m saying is speaking of participate — I know this is off subject, but I just — I have to congratulate you.

GUTFELD: Why?

MURDOCH: For affecting the Emmys the way you did.

GUTFELD: Oh, thank you.

MURDOCH: No, seriously. We made — Gutfeld made the Emmys for late night show, our participation award was phenomenal. Nobody would take it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: So, enjoy that.

GUTFELD: I will. Thank you.

MURDOCH: That’s a first world problem.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: That those other countries are like, what?

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: So, they don’t like big government, really? So, yes, they will be voting Republican.

The problem is, though, they’re not going — those who are seeking asylum, I get it, but the general consensus is, is that our border is wide open.

MCFARLAND: Yes.

MURDOCH: And crossing over illegally is fine. And as long as that’s the message, it doesn’t matter whether they vote Republican, Democrat, or whatever, there are still illegal here and it’s not fair for those who are trying to do it the right way.

GUTFELD: Yes. I think —

(CROSSTALK)

MCFARLAND: Like bringing fentanyl. Yes.

GUTFELD: Americans like two things. They like — they like risk takers, which are often immigrants, but they also like process.

MURDOCH: Yes.

GUTFELD: Like, you can come in, please just wait in line. You know, like we don’t like it when people cut in front when you’re in line buying tickets or whatever.

MURDOCH: And have chat and cuts in this house.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly. It makes me very violent, sometimes.

LONG: Well, America’s favorite sport is football.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: Little committee meetings, and then violence. And then, little committee meetings, and then, violence. That’s what we are. So, like, you got to — you got to have the meeting.

MCFARLAND: Process?

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: First, you got to go for the process.

GUTFELD: What do you make of this ploy? They calling it a stunt? But the Democrats master stuff.

TIMPF: OK. I mean, it is being done to prove a political point.

GUTFELD: Right?

TIMPF: Right. I mean, they’re saying, hey, you say you want to take care of these people. Here they are.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: It’s a political. But I also think it’s ridiculous how they are framing a flight to Martha’s Vineyard as like the worst thing these people have ever been through.

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: She didn’t —

TIMPF: Like —

GUTFELD: She didn’t compare it to the whole costs.

TIMPF: Did their — did their — they are fleeing horrific conditions. They are like, this is an outrage. But they’ve been talking about it this way the entire time and a lot of it is been offensive.

Like these people are just clueless, helpless victims of a bus.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Like, why can they not decide for themselves whether or not to get on the bus? Because they’re migrants?

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: That’s racist.

GUTFELD: Exactly.

TIMPF: They’re getting on the bus because they want to get on the bus.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: They’re going to Martha’s Vineyard because they want to go to Martha’s Vineyard.

I think it’s another example of just seeing something and taking it way too far. You can call a political, it is political. They’re making a political point. But they’re not — these people aren’t outraged and upset and crying on their flight to Martha’s Vineyard.

GUTFELD: No.

TIMPF: I think the best thing that’s ever happened to them.

GUTFELD: I don’t — I will get on that bus.

MURDOCH: You know, I think they can’t figure out pull the cord to get off the bus.

TIMPF: Yes. Yes.

LONG: Well, there is a story —

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: That there was a bus of illegal immigrants on the way to New York City.

TIMPF: Yes.

LONG: And they didn’t want to come into the city because of the crime problem,

GUTFELD: Right? There we go.

LONG: Hey, got hold on New York. New York say, is there a nicer place that you can send us which I understand.

GUTFELD: I want to make one last — one last point that the people that are actually living up to the concept of sanctuary is are the same people that the left hate and that’s religious folks.

MCFARLAND: Yes, yes.

GUTFELD: It’s the churches that are showing up and greeting people —

(CROSSTALK)

MCFARLAND: Absolutely.

GUTFELD: And finding them places to live or finding them food and whatever. It’s not left wingers. It’s well it could be, but they’re — it’s the church, it’s the people who cling to their bibles that are doing the heavy lifting.

All right. Up next, Hunters financial ploy to avoid paying his bundle of joy.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Hunter refuses to share his finances with the baby mama who gave him lap dances. Because when junior needs a new pair of shoes, Hunter starts singing the blues.

Court documents revealed the smartest man Joe knows is trying to weasel out of support payments to his loved child with a former exotic dancer, also known as a stripper. Even though the judge OK’d paying entirely with $1 bills.

At first, Hunter denied the kid was his until the court matched his DNA, which they scraped off a ceiling at a Motel Six.

MCFARLAND: Oh, oh.

GUTFELD: Yes. Hunter is reportedly trying to lower the amount due to a change in his financial circumstances. Because as we all know, inflation has made it really hard to afford child support and crack cocaine. So, He claims he’s broke.

Meanwhile, Judge Rudolph Contreras, scene here, will not make records public in Hunter’s firearm case.

You recall Hunter’s gun ended up at a trash can in 2018, which sounds shady until you realize it was dumped by his brother’s widow, whom he was banging at the time. And who can’t relate to that?

The Obama appointed judge ruled that there’s privacy outweighs releasing the records to the public. Privacy? If this judge cares about Hunter’s privacy, hold him in contempt until he puts on some pants.

We’re talking about a man who saved more dick pics than Richard Nixon’s biographer.

MCFARLAND: Oh.

GUTFELD: Yes. I’ll take some applause.

MCFARLAND: That is good.

TIMPF: I get it.

MCFARLAND: I feel good.

GUTFELD: There you go.

MURDOCH: That is why you are number one (INAUDIBLE).

GUTFELD: Yes, I will not back away from a — joke. As long as it’s married to a person named Dick, then it’s not that kind of — joke. See, you can learn from the master here.

Kat, what do you make of this story? He had — I mean, you know, he is — look, whatever he does. He talks about taking responsibility. This is his kid. This kid is going to grow up knowing that his dad is running or — is uncle’s president.

TIMPF: Yes. I mean, it’s really —

(CROSSTALK)

GUTFELD: I don’t know what is this.

TIMPF: Yes, it’s — I stopped listening halfway through it.

(CROSSTALK)

MURDOCH: That is because Dad is —

MCFARLAND: Yes, you skipped it —

GUTFELD: Dad is his uncle?

TIMPF: Yes.

MURDOCH: Wait, no.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: And so, I think we should just move on.

I think it’s also going to especially be tough because the kid can just go on the Internet and find out that like his dad also has snot rockets. That makes $75,000 each.

GUTFELD: Yes, that’s true.

TIMPF: With his paintings, he just shoots the pain out of his nose, and boom, $75 grand. I’m — my snot rockets aren’t that lucrative even though I can get some distance sometimes.

But, still, you don’t have any excuse. It’s not like he doesn’t have ways to make money or he doesn’t have enough connections to power. It’s the last person who can claim something like that.

GUTFELD: I feel that you have a strong — just the way you’re looking at me. I’m frightened.

MURDOCH: Yes, I really wish I had my sunglasses right now.

TIMPF: And whatnot.

MURDOCH: And whatnot. Yes.

I feel the pain —

MCFARLAND: Oh.

TIMPF: Yes.

MURDOCH: Of —

LONG: Child support?

MURDOCH: Ridiculous child support. But, you’ve just got to do — you just got to pay that — man. It just got to do it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: And it sucks. But when you have as many cash avenues as he does, it’s pathetic. It’s not like he doesn’t have a few friends in China that could cut him a check.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Yes.

MURDOCH: You know, it’s like —

GUTFELD: Or —

TIMPF: Yes.

GUTFELD: Ukraine.

TIMPF: He won’t engage in corruption for anyone but his child.

MURDOCH: Yes, yes. But he can get money from anywhere. You know, if he cut back to just one hooker a week —

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: He could support my kids also.

GUTFELD: Yes.

That’s true. That’s true. He spent so much money on so many bad things.

MURDOCH: Yes, but also, you know, with the whole right to life thing, I also think like men kind of we get bad, you know, because we don’t have a choice, no matter. We should at least be able to, you know, paying the little guys, you know, just move on from it.

GUTFELD: K.T. —

MCFARLAND: That’s fake.

GUTFELD: What if this was a Trump? A Trump — a Trump son, make an art out of his snot thing, and strippers knocking him up? You know?

MCFARLAND: Yes, I mean, we’d ever heard the end of it. But the thing about this is, he is tricky, like, oh, I can’t afford child support. I mean, look, conditions have changed.

But he’s not very smart. Because if he has to go to a court and say, I want to get my child support reduced, because my financial situation is, then what is the judge say? Let’s see those checks —

Let me have a look at where your income stream is. And that’s where they got it. So, he is now going to be on the record for where is all that money go? Who? You know, who is the big guy? Where did that money go?

MURDOCH: Yes, because correct is not a write off, no matter how much you want it to be.

MCFARLAND: No, but you know, they got Al Capone on tax evasion. Not on killing half the people in Chicago.

GUTFELD: Rob, if your dad is Hunter and your mom is a stripper, this kid is going to be an extrovert.

TIMPF: Yes.

LONG: Yes, he is — he is a — so lucky, lucky little kid.

GUTFELD: Yes, he is. Mom and daddy.

LONG: I — look, as you know, I’m not a licensed psychologist in the state of New York.

GUTFELD: But you do look like one.

LONG: I do.

TIMPF: You do. I don’t care because it look just like you.

GUTFELD: But —

LONG: Look, you know, he is — he — obviously, is a recovering, we hope, a drug addict. He is an influence peddler. He’s a forgetful computer owner.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: We know that.

GUTFELD: Yes.

TIMPF: Yes.

LONG: He is doing all this analysis. Now. he’s a deadbeat dad.

(CROSSTALK)

MCFARLAND: Not very good at —

LONG: He’s doing all this stuff to get attention. and the media and like the New York Times and CNN, they refuse to give it to him, even though he desperately craves it. So, they don’t really want to cover this story. And he’s going to do more and more crazy, outlandish stuff.

Someone’s going to get hurt.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: He’s going to like, you know, try to do something. He wants to — this guy wants to be on the front page. I say, for the sake of all of our safety. He should be on the front page.

GUTFELD: He should come on this show. We’ve extended the invitation to Hunter for he’d be part of the panel.

MCFARLAND: Oh, wow.

MURDOCH: Maybe offer him a check.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.

TIMPF: Yes.

MCFARLAND: Yes.

GUTFELD: I buy one of his paintings.

MURDOCH: He’s just weird. He’ll put a stripper through college but not his child.

GUTFELD: Yes, exactly.

MURDOCH: What? That’s why they do it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

Up next, how much would you expose to get on one of CNN’s shows?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: CNN watchers heed this warning: Don Lemon will now ruin your morning. Meanwhile, the network as guests their orientation while booking the worst shows in the nation. CNN demoted Don Lemon from prime time giving him a morning slot with co-anchors, Poppy Harlow and Kaitlan Collins, which raises a key question what did Poppy and Kaitlan do to deserve this?

But this means Don Lemon will now be doing commentary at 6:00 a.m. which is usually the time he wakes up in someone’s shed and walks home. But 6:00 a.m. means we’ll all be up at the crack of Don — it should be the name of the show, you creeps. Anyway, that’s another 11:00 o’clock-er are that our little show crushed. Meanwhile, CNN is asking potential guests to answer multiple choice questions about their politics, gender identity, sexual orientation, disability status, and more, reportedly to help bookers find guests who might be good for certain topics.

For example, maybe you’re looking for someone to provide commentary on being unpopular at work. It would be good to have a name right at your fingertips. CNN spokesperson says, “The initiative launched is strictly voluntary. CNN is committed to representing a variety of voices and perspectives. And this information both helps us identify relevant guests and ensure diversity in our bookings.”

Well, some of the options you can choose for political ideology are extremely strange, such as Marxism and Nazism. Left off the survey was the question: how often do you masturbate during zoom calls? Seems like that would be a good question to have on there, K.T. What do you make of this or like, OK, you do television.

MCFARLAND: Yes.

GUTFELD: You, you know people that really, really want to be on TV. If somebody says this questionnaire is optional, you’re going to do it because you want to be on TV.

MCFARLAND: And they’re going to fill it out the way they want you to fill it out.

GUTFELD: Exactly. What do you want me to be? Do you want me to be non- binary? I can be non-binary. I’ll be, I’ll be non-binary on “FOX AND FRIENDS,” and then on Cavuto, I’ll be a member of the Trilateral Commission.

MCFARLAND: You realize your audience has no idea what the trilateral commission is?

TIMPF: I also don’t know.

MCFARLAND: There you go, that’s my girl.

GUTFELD: They’re all controlling everything. It’s a globalist conspiracy.

MCFARLAND: Yes.

GUTFELD: I’m scaring them.

MCFARLAND: Yes.

GUTFELD: K.T.

MCFARLAND: Well, look, I’ve been doing the TV show commentary for 15 or 20 years, I have never been asked any of those questions at Fox News.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCFARLAND: The couple of times that I’ve brought on MSNBC or CNN, they never put it in writing but they always ask you, will you take this position, will you take that? And if you say, look, I’m not going to get on there and talk about stupid stuff. Well, they’ll move right along. So, you’re absolutely — but the thing is, they’re tricky, but they’re not very smart. They’re putting, they’re putting it in writing. Now, they’re putting writing. Of all the stuff they’ve been doing just verbally over the phone for a long time, now they’ve got to defend themselves against invasion of privacy and maybe lack diversity.

GUTFELD: Yes, that’s what it is, Tyrusm, right?

MURDOCH: No, they just take checking boxes to a whole other level.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: I mean, they’re just, they only put you on TV if we need to check four or the five —

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: — to be on the show. Instead of doing a crazy idea, ask them the question.

MCFARLAND: Right.

MURDOCH: Like, hey, we have a show about oil in the Middle East, your thoughts? I don’t know anything about that. OK, well, then maybe we’re not going to ask you but I am non-binary and I do oil paintings. Welcome aboard. So, that’s the problem. Stop checking boxes, check resumes and ask questions relevant to the subject matter you’re talking about.

GUTFELD: Exactly.

MURDOCH: Crazy.

GUTFELD: Rob, what would you like to talk about? We haven’t talked about Lemon being kicked out of primetime again, because we crushed him in the ratings, or we can talk about this questionnaire. If you’ve ever asked your opinion, your —

LONG: I’ve been asked a lot of incredibly intimate personal questions by you.

GUTFELD: Yes, but that’s always —

LONG: Which are inappropriate.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: Despite — I don’t care how you’re number one, whatever, you still don’t get to ask the questions you asked.

MCFARLAND: He’s not asking me those questions. What’s going on here?

LONG: Well, then you know what, then you, then you don’t, then you’re not going to be part of the lawsuit, but —

GUTFELD: But I ask those questions —

MURDOCH: Have your people call me.

LONG: Yes.

TIMPF: Yes, call me too.

LONG: The weirdest thing about it was because, you know, the only questions that CNN really that are relevant for CNN should be like, which Clinton campaign did you work for?

TIMPF: Right.

LONG: You know, are you teaching in Harvard or at Yale this semester? Which Democratic senator were you a staffer of? That’s really the only people that have on there anyway, so why not do that? I mean, can you imagine if somebody appeared and was talking about, I don’t know, pick a topic and they’re below a third set monarchist?

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCFARLAND: Fascist.

LONG: Is there really anybody clicking monarchist on it? I don’t — I would actually like to do that just to see.

GUTFELD: Yes, exact, you know, Kat, this thing, they claim again, it’s voluntary, but would you fill it out if you were?

TIMPF: No, it’s so creepy. It’s — like, this is really — to normalize? Basically, there’s a professional opportunity on the line. And what they’re saying is, you don’t have to, you don’t have to answer but I really would like it if you could describe to me who it is that you like to (BLEEP). Like that’s, that’s number nine.

LONG: Yes.

MCFARLAND: Really?

TIMPF: So, if that’s the situation say, you don’t really have to, doesn’t make it any less creepy or moral, K.T., sexual orientation.

LONG: But they’re not asking for specific names.

TIMPF: They are, they are asking.

MURDOCH: That’s number 12.

TIMPF: They’re asking more than they should. It’s creepy.

LONG: And there’s only one answer: Don Lemon.

TIMPF: It’s creepy.

GUTFELD: You know, and I love that they, they separate sexual orientation and gender identity, right?

TIMPF: Yes, because if —

GUTFELD: That means, that means, that means I can be a male lesbian, and I am.

LONG: I have news for you, Greg Gutfeld. You are a male lesbian.

GUTFELD: I am, I’m so proud of it. I was there first before any other man identified as a lesbian.

LONG: You are like, you should go into folk singing.

GUTFELD: I am. I’m how — I feel, I feel the folk singing urge right now. All right, we’re out of time on this one. Coming up, the audience gets to choose which story is better news.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: Our viewers rejoiced when we give them a choice. Time once again for TV’s most exciting segment:

ANNOUNCER: “THE AUDIENCE DECIDES THE STORY.”

GUTFELD: Yes, we’re not deciding — they are. So, we’re going to let you decide what we cover. I’m going to present two topics and whichever one gets the most applause from our studio audience, that’s the one we’re going to do. And the writers of the losing story, will be transferred to “FOX AND FRIENDS.”

First option, U.S. business inventories increased in July but the pace is slow likely from a drop in demand is higher interest rates push companies to be cautious as they enter Q-4.

All right. One clap, one clap.

All right. Second story option, did a chess player cheat using beads in his anus?

All right. That’s great! I guess these people really love chess. All right, story two it is. Was his strategy superior or were there signals in his posterior? This month, a 19-year-old from San Francisco named, Hans Neiman, beat Norwegian Grandmaster Magnus Carlsen at a tournament in St. Louis. Carlson is the reigning five-time world champ. Neiman was the lowest-rated player at the tournament, which is how he got his nickname the CNN of chess.

After the loss, Carlson withdrew from the tournament and implied in a tweet that the young American had cheated. Other grandmasters came to Carlson’s defense and came up with theories as to how Neiman could have cheated. Some theorized he might have done something completely foreign to competitive chess, like talking to a girl.

One theory, he used vibrating buttons in his shoes to communicate with a computer program for the best moves, that theory then morphed into one that’s rocking the chess world: that Neiman won by using wireless anal beads that vibrated him the correct moves. Officials were suspicious when he opened with a brilliant defense move and he had an extension cord sticking out of his ass.

Rob, can I just say? What a delight that we found a story with two variables you’re an expert in? Three.

LONG: Three.

GUTFELD: Three.

LONG: OK. I read that this this piece, I read this article in the New York Times and they were so weirdly vague about it, I had to then go online to find out that apparently there are people who have figured out a way to, like, put something in your ass.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: Not yours, but one’s.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: And that someone off screen or off-stage can send you —

GUTFELD: It’s brilliant.

LONG: I’m just getting some messages now.

GUTFELD: You think he’s kidding?

LONG: This show is so humiliating for me. I don’t know why I do it.

GUTFELD: You went from cheers to anal beads. Where everyone knows your pain. You know, K.T., you called one of our producers this morning and said you’d only do this show if we did this story — of the chest and anal beads connection.

MCFARLAND: Well, the problem was: it took a long time to try to figure out the logistics —

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Yes, right.

MCFARLAND: But then, I thought in my world, in the national security world, and you know what she could have done? So, the way that — let’s assume it’s like a Bluetooth, there actually wasn’t a cord.

GUTFELD: Right.

MCFARLAND: But you could have used that interfered with that Bluetooth — I mean, the Russians do it all the time.

GUTFELD: Right.

MCFARLAND: Right, and then they could have reprogrammed it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCFARLAND: So, he could have just gone up literally in smoke.

GUTFELD: Oh, my God, or cured his hemorrhoids.

LONG: Wait, is that, is that actually possible or are you just freelancing here? Because I need to be excused for one minute.

GUTFELD: You know, Kat, I would love to have been the guy explaining how he discovered this potential benefit from his anal beads. I just discovered this.

TIMPF: There’s like — we don’t know that he did this.

GUTFELD: No, we don’t.

TIMPF: And no, like, there’s really no evidence that he did. So, I feel bad for him.

GUTFELD: Really?

TIMPF: Yes, it’s like this huge achievement. Everyone’s just going to say, you only got there because of his butthole.

GUTFELD: But, do you, do you —

TIMPF: It’s horrible when that happen.

GUTFELD: Yes, but he’s, you know, he’s 19. He’s low rated, and he beat the champ, there’s something fishy, and it’s in his butthole.

TIMPF: It’s possible, but what if it’s not?

GUTFELD: What, what if it’s not? That’s a good question, and we should raise that question, so we don’t get sued.

TIMPF: You’re welcome.

GUTFELD: Yes. Tyrus, is it a fishy butthole? Or is it just true, raw talent?

TIMPF: He’s thinking of every choice he made to lead him to this point.

MURDOCH: You sorry, sons a of bitches. We had a choice.

GUTFELD: You had —

MURDOCH: We had a choice. Maybe the kid just pulled this one off his ass, Gutfeld. I don’t know.

GUTFELD: Nice. Nicely —

MURDOCH: I just, I feel like it’s one of those accusations that there’s you, you can’t really not prove it.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: You know, it’s like, whatever, you know, he wasn’t making eye signals or someone was sitting across the room giving him a towel, it just had to be that?

GUTFELD: Yes, it makes total sense, doesn’t it? Like —

MURDOCH: I mean, this — you didn’t even read the story. You just saw the title and you just went nuts.

GUTFELD: You know that I don’t read stories. You realize — I do not read the stories.

MURDOCH: And thank you.

GUTFELD: I don’t want, I don’t want to be biased by the words. I let the headlines direct me. Like a true journalist.

LONG: Yes, like a, like a child. But you know, do you ever see the movie “Casino”?

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: In “Casino,” there’s a guy counting cards —

(CROSSTALK)

LONG: Someone else is doing this, and then they say drag him into a room and they, and they, they think they cut off his arm or something. They like, they brutalize —

MURDOCH: They broke his hand with a hammer, yes.

LONG: That’s right. So, imagine what you’d have to do to somebody to punish them for this?

GUTFELD: Oh my God.

MURDOCH: I just say, you won. You got it.

GUTFELD: Yes, if you’re going to try that hard —

MURDOCH: You need it more than we do, you can have it.

GUTFELD: — going to put stuff up your butt to win a chess, you should win at chess.

MURDOCH: Yes, that’s fair.

GUTFELD: Right? All right, I think we clobbered this story.

LONG: Surprising that you were not nominated for an Emmy, I understand. So classy.

GUTFELD: They would not touch this story with an anal bead. Up next well, you need to delouse after visiting the mouse.

LONG: That’s a great story.

GUTFELD: Yes.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

ANNOUNCER: “A STORY IN FIVE WORDS.”

GUTFELD: Disney World, a huge mess. All right, Tyrus, Disney World guests claimed the theme park is filled with broken down rides and dirty facilities even as a CEO continues to raise prices. Is Disney World ruined? You’re a parent.

MURDOCH: Yes, we don’t, we don’t go to Disney World — but yes, they’re correct.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Because woke don’t fix things, they ruin things. So, congratulations.

GUTFELD: Interesting point. Rob, you’re not allowed in Disney World or Disneyland, something that happened in the tea cups in the late 90s?

LONG: Yes, we’re going back and forth with lawyers about that. I can’t really say anything.

GUTFELD: Yes, yes. Well, the pictures were cut — speak for themselves.

LONG: The pictures, like pictures say pic with pictures do, like why are we even doing this?

GUTFELD: Yes, yes.

LONG: I was just going to say at Disney World is that it’s not, I mean, it wasn’t in its best, it’s not that clean. It’s like a bunch of little kids, junk food and rides. The interior of those places just spackled with biomass. It’s like not a great spot.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: So, you have to be extra special clean, like you have to be hospital clean, for it to be clean. And if you drop, if you, if you, if you fall down on that, even like at 80 percent or 70 percent, the place is just going to be overrun.

GUTFELD: Yes.

LONG: So, they need to —

GUTFELD: Just talking about child puke.

LONG: I’m talking about everything.

GUTFELD: OK. Yes. Well, I think we’ve just run into a wall of silence when I mentioned child puke, K.T.

MCFARLAND: This is go woke, go broke.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MCFARLAND: You know, Disney has been so focused on woke and the woke agenda and how they’re going to make, you know, the mouse and all that other stuff so woke, that they’ve got, they’ve lost track of what they’re there to do, which is to entertain children and be nice to grandparents.

GUTFELD: And, and take all of our money.

MCFARLAND: Well, yes, but they don’t want you know.

GUTFELD: Like $50.00 large boxes of popcorn, Kat.

MURDOCH: Get him, get him Kat.

GUTFELD: Do you take your kids there?

TIMPF: My kids. No, I don’t have kids. And I don’t take myself there because I respect myself. And it’s not for adults, and the adults that go there, you have to ask yourself: are you really having a bad time because the robotic crab is broken? Are you having a bad time because you’re an adult at Disneyland? And that’s sad.

MURDOCH: Yes, yes, she’s right, because it’s not about the kids. I’ll take kid puke. It’s the 30-plus deuce and a quarter plus five foot plus with Mickey Mouse hats filling up the place all day, and the Disney adults — is that what they call themselves?

TIMPF: And when I have —

MURDOCH: They’re an epidemic, Gutfeld.

TIMPF: When I have kids, instead of Disneyland, I will take them to the race track. Then, at least we can maybe make some money.

GUTFELD: That is good. So much fun in the race track.

TIMPF: My uncle used to take me.

LONG: And you will, and you know when you were there, you will see Hunter Biden there with his daughter probably at the same time.

GUTFELD: You know, do look like a guy that would hang out at a racetrack.

LONG: I love the track.

TIMPF: My uncle used to take when I was little, and I turned out great.

LONG: The track is that, yes, but the track is great.

GUTFELD: You know, we had a race track in San Mateo that had a golf course inside it, Bay Meadows. Nine whole thing, I’d go and play during the, during the races.

LONG: That’s really relatable, that’s a relatable anecdote.

MCFARLAND: They never thought of it.

MURDOCH: But to be clear, we are anti-Disney adults.

TIMPF: Yes. Yes.

MURDOCH: Two things I hate, three: bear traps, long conversations, and Disney adult.

TIMPF: Agree.

GUTFELD: Yes.

MURDOCH: Leave the hats for the kids.

MCFARLAND: Woke Disney adults, the woke ones.

MURDOCH: All of them. I don’t care which grown ass man, take the head off.

TIMPF: And go to the strip club like a normal person.

GUTFELD: Don’t take kids to the strip club.

TIMPF: Not kids, adults. We’ve moved on.

GUTFELD: Don’t take kids — can you believe Kat just said take kids strip clubs?

TIMPF: We’ve moved on. You’re not a good listener.

MCFARLAND: Does anybody hear a bear in Disney World?

GUTFELD: I don’t know. What or where are we? Is the show over? Don’t go away, we’ll be right back.

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

GUTFELD: We are out of time. Thanks to Rob Long, K.T. McFarland, Kat Timpf, Tyrus, our studio audience. “FOX NEWS @ NIGHT” with Rich Edson is next. I’m Greg Gutfeld, I love you America. I do.

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